If you are considering making a voluntary adoption plan for your unborn, or recently born baby you may be concerned about how your other children may feel. As a parent, it’s your role to make critical family decisions and to decide how and when to address these decisions with your children.This blog explores how to help you navigate the added complexity you carry when considering adoption if you are already parenting other children.
Recognizing Common Reactions
Depending on the age of your child(ren) you may not be faced with this discussion until later in life. Obviously a 1 or 2 year old does not yet have the developmental capacity for such conversations. However, you are likely thinking about how this discussion might occur and when. As their parent(s) it is your decision to make. If your child(ren) is old enough to understand that you have been pregnant, you are very likely thinking about how to discuss adoption with them. Recognizing that your child may have a wide range of emotions and feelings can help you address them more effectively.
Understanding the Root Causes
It’s important to understand that children’s emotions and ability to understand will vary greatly with their developmental age. They might worry about the stability of your family or feel insecure about their place within it. Some children may feel a sense of loss or grief, even if they have not been really aware of your pregnancy until now. Understanding your child’s developmental stage can help you provide more targeted and compassionate support.
Creating an Open Environment for Expression
Encouraging Honest Conversations
Creating an open environment where your children feel safe to express their feelings is important. Letting them know that the adults need to make decisions that are in everyone’s best interest and that they may not fully process these decisions until they are much older. Let them know you are always open to talking with them later in life and that you always have their best interest at the heart of all family decisions even if it seems difficult to understand. Reassure them that their emotions are valid and that it’s normal to feel a range of emotions, you feel them too.
Acknowledging Their Feelings
If your children express sadness or confusion, it’s important to acknowledge these feelings and validate their sense of loss. They also are likely feeling your emotions and know this is a difficult time for you as well. Recognize that this sadness is a natural response to change and uncertainty for all of you. If they see that you feel secure you are making the best plan for your family, it is likely to make them feel safe. Children learn how to read us, and having a parent, or parents who verbalize that they will always keep them safe, and that hard decisions are for adults to make can lessen their concerns.
Clarifying Misunderstandings and Providing Reassurance
Addressing Common Misconceptions
Children may have misconceptions about adoption, especially if they are not familiar with the concept or have seen families for whom adoption was not voluntary. They might worry that they could also be placed for adoption or misunderstand the reasons behind the decision. How and how much you share depends on the age of your children. It’s important that discussions are in language your child is old enough to understand. Talking to older children separately might be appropriate. You know your children and you are in control of making the adult decisions in your family. Reassure them that this decision does not affect their place in the family and that they will always be with you.
Final Thoughts
If you have questions about adoption or find yourself struggling with the process, reaching out to Open Arms Adoption can be a good step to take. Their experienced team is available 24/7 and can provide you with resources, answer your questions, and offer support relevant to your unique circumstances. They will empower you that this is your decision to make and only yours. They help by educating you about what adoption is and what it isn’t and through offering compassionate support. You can contact Open Arms Adoption by phone at 1-888-OPENARMS. They are available 24-7. You also can text them at 267-961-2720.
