If you recently found out that you got your friend with benefits pregnant, you are likely feeling stressed out and overwhelmed right now. The first thing to do is to take a deep breath and try to calm down. We will discuss where to go from here, and we can help you both in this situation. No matter how you got here, whether your form of contraception didn’t work, someone forgot to take the pill, or whether you made a mistake and forgot your condoms, we can work with you to figure out what to do now.
Get Help from Mutual Friends
Whether you are close friends, or this was just a FWB relationship, you will need each other right now. If the two of you share a trusted friend that you can talk with, that might help you as well. Your sexual partner might have raging hormones right now and it might be helpful to have some support and encouragement if you can find it.
Be Supportive While She Considers Her Options
The first thing to keep in mind is that although you are panicking, it’s your friends with benefits buddy who is likely even more freaked out. She is the one who is facing likely immediate changes to her body and could use your help while the two of you make a plan. So, while this may have been preventable in the first place, that is irrelevant at this point, and she needs you to be there for her. Don’t be upset with your sexual partner but try to be calm and communicate with one another so that a solution can be found.
What Are Her Options with the Pregnancy?
Once the two of you are ready to talk about it, it would be good for you to start discussing your options with one another. It’s likely difficult to process that what was supposed to just be a fun time has turned into something much bigger, and likely more serious than you are prepared to face. However, you don’t need romance in your relationship in order to discuss pregnancy options, and it might even make it easier to have some clear, open conversations about what you both want.
The two of you need to start discussing the kind of arrangement that you might be interested in if she is interested in keeping this pregnancy. If this is an option for you, you can discuss what parenting this child would look like, realistically, and if you can do it together.
If the two of you determine that neither of you are interested in parenting the baby, that is fully okay and there are other options for you to discuss. You don’t have to be forced into parenting just because her birth control didn’t work, or a condom fell off– there are other things that can be done!
If you and the person you got pregnant determine that maintaining the pregnancy is just not something that the two of you are comfortable with or want to do, termination is an option to consider. Getting an abortion will look different for the pregnant female, depending on how far along she is in the pregnancy. But when the two of you schedule an abortion- and yes, you should go with her! – they will perform an ultrasound and determine how far along she is, and how best to terminate the pregnancy. There are many trusted organizations where you can pursue this, and neither of you need to feel a sense of embarrassment or shame around this, as this happens to young adults (and not-so-young adults) all the time.
Confidential or Open Adoption
If parenting and termination are not what the two of you feel is best, it’s possible that adoption might be the perfect solution. Adoption is an option where the baby would be adopted, shortly after birth by a single or a couple of your choice, if you would like to choose. After the baby is formally adopted, your parental rights will be terminated, and you bare no responsibility or obligation to parent the baby.
If one or both of you would be interested in choosing a family to raise the baby, which is something that happens in Open Adoption, you can choose the family and even meet them if you prefer. If you would like, you can establish and maintain a relationship with the family even after they adopt the baby. This option is called an Open Adoption. This is absolutely not required though, so you don’t need to feel obligated.
If you are intrigued by the idea of adoption but don’t feel like Open Adoption is a good fit in your situation, choosing a Confidential or Closed Adoption is an option, too. In a Confidential Adoption, no one involved has any identifying information about one another and there is no contact. This may feel like a more comfortable option for your situation.
Call Open Arms to Learn More
Right now, your top priority should be staying calm and supporting your “buddy.” Hopefully, some of the information we shared will enable you to find resources that you need in order to move forward with your next step. If the two of you are having trouble making a decision, or if you would like to learn more about adoption, call us, anytime at 1-888-OPENARMS. A counselor will help you process how you are feeling, explore all of your options and work with you to determine where to go from here. They will never pressure you to move forward with adoption.